Practical Godly Wisdom For Raising Children
Family – June 2024 – Grace & Truth Magazine
Practical Godly Discipline For Raising Children
Parents have a great responsibility to raise their children in the fear of the Lord. It is a topic that is mentioned from the beginning to the end of the Word of God. For example, in Genesis 18:19 the Lord spoke to Abraham about the upcoming judgment on Sodom and Gomorrah. The Lord said that He would tell Abraham what He was going to do because Abraham had commanded his children to keep the way of the Lord. Abraham’s teaching of his children was something that the Lord noticed and appreciated. As we read further along in Scripture we see a negative example in the life of David. He was not teaching his children in the right way. David had children whom he “had not displeased … at any time” and had never questioned in relation to how they were behaving (1 Ki. 1:6 KJV ).
Deuteronomy 8:5 tells us that the Lord God chastens His people as a father chastens his son. They were supposed to keep His commandments. In the New Testament we read in Hebrews 12 that our parents correct us, and God as Father chastens and scourges His children. It is important to know that God does this as our Father. We also learn in the same chapter that discipline has an end goal: it is for our profit and results in “the peaceable fruit of righteousness” (v.11).
Words
The words in Scripture in relation to discipline have various meanings. Some of them are used to describe reproving or correcting someone, often through reasoning or instruction. One of the more frequent of these words in the Old Testament is the Hebrew word musar, which is found in “My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of His correction” and, “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother” (Prov. 3:11, 1:8). The same word is also used in connection with physical discipline, where it says, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him” and, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die” (22:15, 23:13). While this word is used for physical punishment, it is important to notice that it is more commonly used to convey the thought of instructing through conversation.
Another Hebrew word used in the Old Testament is yasar, meaning “to chasten” or “to correct.” This word is often used in relation to punishment or chastisement; it has the thought of either verbal or physical punishment. One example is: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (19:18). Proverbs 31:1 uses the term in relation to words: “The words of King Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.”
From considering the various words and passages in the Old Testament we see different aspects of discipline. In this, it is important to emphasize that most of the time the Hebrew terms imply conveying instruction through words.
In the New Testament we have a variety of Greek terms used to describe discipline, translated in English as: “train,” “chasten,” “discipline,” “correct,” “nurture,” “rule” and “instruct.” Paideuo is a word which means “to train children verbally” or “to chastise physically.” This word is used to describe how the Lord loves us: “For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?” (Heb. 12:6-7). It is translated as “teaching us” in Titus 2:12. Revelation 3:19 says, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten.”
Another important Greek word in the New Testament is nouthesia, which means “to admonish” or “to call attention” to something. It is used in Ephesians 6:4, which says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” The word for “nurture” is paideia, speaking about the whole training and education of children. Paideia is also used in Hebrews 12: “Despise not thou the chastening of the Lord … If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons … Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby” (vv.5,7,11).
We see from the above words that discipline involves many aspects: teaching, instructing, admonishing, correcting and chastising. This involves the use of words and, sometimes, physical punishment. We also have seen that God, as our Father, does the same thing with His children.
When Do We Start?
We find in Scripture that child training begins when they are born. In Deuteronomy 6:7 we are told to teach our children diligently throughout the day, as were Moses and Samuel. If we remember that we also are God’s children, we can ask ourselves, “How soon in my Christian life did God begin to teach me?” We know the answer: “Right away.”
It is also important to have realistic expectations for our children. Paul mentioned this to the Corinthians when he told them that he was feeding them with “milk” because they were not able to eat “meat” (1 Cor. 3:2). We need to be careful that our expectations of our children are based on their age and ability. We instruct them based on their capacity, and we should discipline them based on their age and understanding.
Loving Our Children
We have seen that it is because the Lord loves us that He disciplines us (Heb. 12:6). The thought of training is that we teach, instruct and discipline because we love our children. We should never do it out of any other reason.
There are times when, as parents, we discipline our children out of frustration or anger. It is at these moments when we are likely to “provoke” our children to wrath (Eph. 6:4), because our discipline will not be done lovingly and may not be appropriate for the situation.
Does Discipline Involve Physical Punishment?
Throughout God’s Word we have already seen that physical punishment is a part of discipline. In 1 Corinthians 11:30 it says that there were physical consequences from God – weakness, illness and even death – for those who were not judging themselves. Jonah had physical consequences for going against God’s commands (Jon. 1). As parents we must follow what Scripture teaches, even in relation to the physical punishment for children. The Bible gives examples of using a “rod” with our child, often referred to as “spanking” in our culture. This is the only method described in the Bible. This means that we do not use our physical body (hands or feet) to punish our children.
Thinking of our heavenly Father helps us to know how we should treat our children. Does He lose His temper with us? Does He inflict more pain than is necessary? How gracious is He? Any physical punishment should be done with a loving heart and in conjunction with instruction. The majority of what our Father does is to instruct us with His Word rather than affecting us physically.
Are Rewards Good For Children?
When we think of discipline we can sometimes focus more on punishment than on reward. Is it right to reward children for good behavior? Are rewards a better way to train? How does our Father reward us? In Colossians 3:23-25 we read: “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong.” Luke 6:35 tells us in the context of those who love their enemies, “Your reward shall be great.” Other Scriptures to consider include Matthew 25:21, 2 John 1:8 and Revelation 22:12.
The Old Testament has many examples of how God rewarded His people depending on how they were living, such as that in Deuteronomy 20. This passage and others like it show that the Lord does indeed reward us based on our actions. In fact, there are many more verses about rewards for believers than there are verses about punishment. Perhaps, as parents, we do not focus enough on rewards and simply have an expectation that our children should obey just because we tell them to do so. Our Father repeatedly rewards good behavior, and even though some may be in the future, we will receive them!
Practical Steps For Instruction
We have already seen that the primary thought behind discipline is teaching or instructing. But how do we do this? One way is to have our children spend time reading the Bible themselves. Timothy was someone who from a child had known the holy Scriptures (2 Tim. 3:15). His mother was a believer and had instilled them in him. As we were reminded in Deuteronomy 6:7, we are to teach our children throughout the day. We should explain “why” to our children. The Lord is a great example of that. He talked to His disciples along the way and explained things to them (Mk. 4:34).
It is important that we talk to our children alone. Often we try to correct our children in public, and it is not effective. Typically, the Lord did not publicly correct his disciples; He did it when He was alone with them.
As a family we can also read the Scriptures and talk together. A good habit is to read a chapter of Proverbs together every day, for it is a book filled with instruction. Reading it together gives opportunities to talk with our children about different situations that come up in our daily lives. If we do this repeatedly, our children will hear many things from the Word of God while they are growing up.
Forgiveness
Unlike our heavenly Father, we will make mistakes as parents. We will provoke our children; we will not always speak in the way we should. When we fail, it is important that we acknowledge this to our children. Some helpful verses are found in James, where we are told, “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord” and, “Confess your faults one to another” (4:10, 5:16).
The Bible also gives examples of making things right and of asking for forgiveness from people. Doing this with our children is important, for it is a model for our children of what to do when we have caused a problem with someone. When we ask our children to forgive us, we are also modeling for them how they should seek forgiveness from others when they do something wrong.
We Can Only Fulfill Our Responsibility
As parents we can only do what the Lord has given us to do. Our role is to discipline our children; we cannot control how they will respond to us. In Scripture we have many examples where even within the same family the children were very different. In Genesis 4 we read about the first family and their two sons. One son served the LORD (Abel), and one did not (Cain). There are many similar examples throughout the Bible. Children, as they mature and grow up, will make their own choices about whether they will listen to instruction and serve the Lord. Our responsibility as parents is to love them, teach them, guide them and correct them.
In Luke 15 we read about the son who left his home and went and wasted his money, time and life. However, he repented and went back to his father. Our children may go through stages like this as young people or adults, but we should be encouraged that our children will remember what they have learned.
We can be encouraged because we know the Lord loves our children more than we do. He has a purpose for them, and His purposes do not fail (consider Isa. 46:10-11). Also, if we get discouraged we can be reminded that our Father is perfect, and He trains in a perfect way. He never makes a mistake, yet His children often rebel (1:2-4). He is a perfect Father to us, but we, as His children, often do not follow as we should. This is a reflection of what we are like as sinners – not of what our Father is like.
Conclusion
We have seen that God has given responsibility to parents to bring up their children for Him. We are to teach, instruct, correct, punish, forgive and guide our children. In this, we are responsible to the Lord, for He has “graciously given” our children to us (Gen. 33:5).
Our relationship with our Father in heaven provides a role model for our children to watch. Do we listen to our Father, confess to our Father, love our Father and make our Father’s will our priority? When we do these things as parents, it allows us to be an example to our children. We also need to pray and be dependent on the Lord, asking Him for wisdom in raising our children. He said, “If we ask any thing according to His will, He heareth us: and if we know that He hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of Him” (1 Jn. 5:14-15).
By David Pickering